First draft
I’m in trouble. Big time. My Grandmother has disappeared under mysterious circumstances. My Grandfather’s search attempts involve talking to the spirit world in a cemetery on Dusicky (All Soul’s Eve).

To make matters worse, he is right and they want to deal with me. But, before the cough up the info, I have to help them scare off the Mad One, this super crazy dude, who wants to demolition the cemetery.

Because if I don’t, no more Grandmother and no more cemetery. Its destruction will unleash hundreds of ghosts, ghouls, banshees, specters, and poltergeists on the small village o f Milovec and the world.

As I said, big time trouble.

Final Draft

My Grandmother disappeared, and no one knows how or why. Trust me, there is some seriously weird stuff going on. And my Grandfather is no help. He’s been talking to the spirit world on Dušicky (All Souls’ Eve), like that could really bring my Grandmother back. But the ghosts are real and they’re willing to help. For a price. I help them scare off the Mad One, this super crazy dude who wants to demolish the cemetery, and they cough up the info on my hopefully still alive grandmother. If I don’t, no more Grandmother and no more cemetery. Blasting it to smithereens will let loose like a gazillion ghosts, ghouls, banshees specters, and poltergeists on the small village Milovec, not to mention the rest of the world.

Trust me, big-time trouble.

My thoughts

This massive paragraph solidifies my ideas much better than several mini-ones.

The second paragraph sounds like a more realistic teen with a clear voice.

By cutting out the linking words, the second paragraph sounds more spoken and less written.

The first paragraph narrator sounds whiny while the second narrator has a little more edge and urgency in his voice. Bad things will happen.

Overall, I can see big improvements. My editor really guided me and I appreciated working with her.